Monday, July 21, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
This same night I get a call from my brother telling me to leave work and go to my mom's and check on her. Since no one ever calls me to leave work, I know it is an emergency. My stepdad has walked out on my mom. She's hysterical. She found a bunch of text messages on his phone to another woman. These messages said things like, "I love you, I miss you, I can't wait to see you again." My stepfather said they were a joke, but come on....
Basically, I know that I am supposed to take the high road. I know that I am supposed to love everyone, and forgive. I know that I will be a better person than that. I guess that I am not that great of a person. I hate them both.
I feel so bad for my mom, and I don't know what to do for her. She is so depressed, and she is so hurt, and I can't fix her heart. She told me, "Margy I'm 50 years old, and I don't want to die alone." Do you know how heartbreaking that is to hear? She even said that she would take him back, if he would just come back. My mom thinks so little of herself, that she would stay with a man that treated her like shit. She doesn't think she deserves better than that? Now she's struggling to figure out how she's going to make it on her paycheck, and she's trying to save money to find a place to live. She won't come stay with me, and I don't have any money to help her. I feel so helpless.
I also feel so bad for our family. He didn't just leave my mom, he left us. He is a sorry asshole, and my mom could take him back a hundred times, but I will never forgive him. He was there when my son was born. He helped me move a million times. We went out to dinner a million times, and had so much fun together. My nephews, and niece call him Pappy. He even left a voice mail on my phone TWO fucking days before he walked out, telling me how much he loved me, and happy birthday. Thanks, it was the best birthday ever!
Actually I do owe him a big thank you. He just affirmed my faith in humanity. Nobody can ever figure out why I don't want to get married, and it is because of people like him. No one ever stays together anymore. No one seems to know how to be faithful, and loyal, and how to maintain their wedding vows. No matter what, people always leave.
I am sorry this is such an angry post. I am having such a hard time dealing with this, and I am trying not to show it to anyone here. I am trying to be strong and uplifting for my mom, but I am just so sad. I thought that maybe if I wrote about it, I would feel better.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
I read a great blog today at scrapbook.com (link is up there). This blog was about envy, and it made me stop and realize that I am far too envious of other people. I know that I am not that bad of a person, and that I am grateful for what I have, but I can't help but get a little envious of other people when they have things that I don't have.
- I am envious of people who have more financial security than we do, and I look at our debt and bills, and I wonder if we will ever be able to pull ourselves out of this hole we have dug. I want to be able to go out to dinner every night, and not have to worry if we have enough in the checking account to cover the groceries. BUT I don't often think of the good things. I should be more grateful that I am able to work only part-time (who cares about going out to dinner), so that I can spend as much time as possible with our new child.
- I am envious of all the new and cool scrapbooking products. I should be thinking about all of the great scrapbooking stuff that I still have yet to use.
- I am envious of the girls who lose their pregnancy weight fast. I should be grateful for my healthy pregnancy, and for the beautiful, healthy baby boy that calls me "mom."
- I am envious of the people who are my age (28) that are already in their careers, while I am still trying to get through college, because I chose to join the US Army when I graduated highschool. I should be grateful for the experience, the friends, and the travelling I got to do while I was in the Army. Many will never have the opportunity to visit Korea, or shoot a grenade launcher, drive a humvee, and work with the best bunch of army guys in the world.
- I am envious of the girls who are always made up, and their hair is always stunning. I should be grateful for the fact that my fiancee thinks I am more beautiful without makeup (he really does, which is wierd), and could care less if my hair is constantly in a pony tail. Plus I am never "forced" to wear high-heel shoes!
- I am envious of the students who never have to work hard in school, and I get angry that I have to study so much to stay ahead. I should be grateful that I will have a greater appreciation for all of my good grades, especially knowing how hard I worked for them.
- I am envious of people who drive nice cars. I should be grateful for the fact that I can still afford to put gas in mine.
The fact of the matter is that I am more envious of others than I care to admit. When I should be dwelling on the things that matter, sometimes I dwell on the things that don't. My middle of the year resolution is to be grateful for the love that fills my life, the roof over my head, and the food that I have, when I know many people in the world don't. The things that are the most important: family, friends, health, and love are all prevalent in my world, and I should remember that. Whenever I start to get envious I will come back and read this blog, and hopefully it will put things in perspective. I do not want to be as materialistic as I am, and I am hoping that I can change that!